Carol

My name is Carol and I live in the UK.

I’ve dedicated my life to NHS nursing for more than 40 years. l am tired, frustrated, and exhausted. The emotional and traumatic pain of working every day without many things you need to do a good enough job is so hard. In all my working life and l have never known it to be so bad.

As an Accident and Emergency nurse, l come to work and all l see is a sea of ambulances and l honestly want to turn back and go home. It was a specialty l loved, but these days l look around and l just don't know who to treat first because all are so unwell. l bring one in only to be told that the next patient has died in the ambulance. I then can’t get away from the feeling that it’s my fault, even when I know there is nothing I could have done. It is my job to save and heal, not to cause death or further harm. It is traumatic doing this day in and out.

During COVID, all l could see was death. l was so numb. l did not even get to learn the names of my patients because so many of them lost their lives. Even when a patient made it, l almost did not dare to believe it. The worst part is that the more l understood about how COVID was being handled, the more l knew the deaths were so often unnecessary. How could this government be so bold and so cold, to prioritise awarding dodgy COVID contracts to their mates whilst NHS staff and patients died?

My own family was also directly impacted by loss during COVID. I lost two uncles and a cousin to the pandemic. All Black, all male. My cousin had cancer and this made him even more susceptible to COVID, which is what killed him. My uncles were older, but they were like the glue that stuck my cousins together. It was so hard, the impact of their deaths has been tremendous. My cousin’s wife has been left a widow at an early age, his children are orphans.

From the response to the COVID pandemic to the attacks on our NHS, the government has consistently put the profits of big pharma and private healthcare companies ahead of the lives of people here in the UK and across the world.

All of us - both staff and patients - deserve so much better, and we must demand it.